Lust is Not a Sin

R. A. McConnell
25 January 2004

1. Introduction
This autobiographical document is a collection of speculations and empirical facts. Most of the chapters, as will be apparent, consist of information provided to me by psychics with whom I have been closely associated. The other chapters reflect my own opinions. I shall begin with some tentative defining statements.

Psi bonds (PB) are formed whenever persons communicate with one another, whether by voice, or looks, or writing, or by mental telepathy alone. More generally, any form of communication among sentient beings implies psi functioning, whether or not the role of psi is obvious. ("Psi" is pronounced with a silent "p", i.e., like "si" in "silent".)

There are many kinds of psi bonds. Perhaps the two best known are the psi bonds of romantic love and the bonding of an infant to its mother.

Psi bonds may be between two persons, as in the case of lovers, or, at the other extreme, within a crowd acting upon itself, as in the storming of the Bastille.

Psi bonds may last only briefly, as when an artist performs on stage and bonds with the audience, or may last a lifetime, as between husband and wife.

Long lasting psi bonds are never static. They continue to develop. For example, a married couple's relationship will change continuously from courtship to death in old age.

What might be the philosophic and practical importance of psi bonds? Psi bonds extend parapsychology from the study of psychic events to include the study of psychic relationships. The concept of psi bonds separates love from sexual intercourse by recognizing love as a psychic relationship, whereas, sexual intercourse, if not accompanied by a love bond, is a strictly physical relationship. Knowledge of psi bonds should help parents and teachers in guiding adolescents through the dangers of early love. The study of psi bonds may help an adult to choose, and to be, a loving spouse.

I shall comment briefly upon the following topics in this document, which, taken together, suggest the scope of psi-bond parapsychology. I have omitted discussion of psi bonds between humans and animals because I feel we do not have sufficient laboratory evidence to support speculation. To preserve anonymity, I have presented my psychics' comments in didactic, rather than historical, form.

2. Psi bonds in the past.
3. My relevant life experience.
4. Belief as a psychological mystery.
5. Sexual arousal.
6. Instant Affinity.
7. Romantic love bonding
8. Dating strategies.
9. Mature marriage.
10. Loveless sexual intercourse.
11. Mating behavior in women.
12. Parent-child bonds.
13. The inter-sex sibling bond.
14. Persisting and unwanted bonds.
15. Abusive husbands.
16. Good and evil people.
17. Good and evil psi.
18. On being a paraprofessional psychic.
19. Kinds of love bonds.
20. A love story.
21. Love in perspective.
22. Wanted: wise parents.
23. The negotiated marriage contract.
24. Dating guide.
25. Unanswered questions.
26. Summary.

2. Psi Bonds in the Past
It is likely that the concept of psi bonds will be found in many places in the literature of parapsychology. My memory goes back to the following passage by Rosalind Heywood in her book ESP, A Personal Memoir (condensed in my book, Encounters with Parapsychology, 1982, p.64)

On my first visit to England in the mid 1950s, I met Rosalind Heywood (b. 1895) and came to know her as a trusted friend. In her book she reported how, with another player, she had performed Mozart's Concerto for Two Pianos as an amateur at age 17 and was unexpectedly under a professional conductor. Even his kindly message that he, too, was an amateur, did not allay her nervousness until "on looking up to begin, I saw miraculously stretched from him to every player, including me, a shining cord. Owing to that cord, something, not me, played with zest and assurance, and entirely out of my class. At the end, he bent down and clapped and said 'Bravo! Bravo!'. But I knew dimly, though he did not seem to, that he was congratulating himself, not me."

A few pages later (Encounters with Parapsychology, p. 74), on the basis of her frequent telepathic experiences with her husband, Heywood speculated that they were possibly in regular telepathic contact with each other. "And, if us, then surely others. We are not exceptional people. It may be that, even if signs of it never emerge to consciousness--or at least are never recognized--that many other married couples, parents and children, teachers and pupils, and co-enthusiasts or co-workers, are also linked beneath the surface in a similar fashion."

As a result of my investigations of the matter, most of which are briefly reported in this document, I think it likely that the above quotation from Heywood will become the classic statement of the psi bond hypothesis.

3. My Relevant Life Experience
This document is based in part upon some of my beliefs and experiences that I have not previously had reason to discuss publicly. Those beliefs that go beyond the phenomena discussed in the conservative literature of parapsychology are based upon events that I have witnessed or experienced or that were reported to me by persons whose honesty and judgment I have good reasons to trust.

Parapsychologists agree that nearly everyone experiences occasional minor ESP. As documented in my books and in the literature generally, a few paraprofessional psychics repeatedly obtain information extrasensorily that is detailed and accurate. (A "psychic," as I use the term, is a person who frequently exhibits strong psi effects. "Paraprofessional psychics" are psychics who accept no compensation for their services.) From the literature, it is known that strong ESP is occasionally experienced by non-psychics. I believe that macro psychokinesis is likewise occasionally evoked by both psychics and non-psychics.

My association with paraprofessional psychics began late in my professional career, after I had completed my experimental work in the laboratory. These psychics were related by blood or marriage to a wide socioeconomic (SES) range of people. My relationships with these psychics were sufficiently numerous and uninhibited as to give me, through their families and neighbors, a perspective covering a wide economic range of Caucasian social behavior.

To halt prostate cancer, I was chemically castrated by leuprolide acetate at age 84. The significance of this relative my subsequent investigation of psi bonds is described in Chapters 20 and 21. As will be explained, my impotent condition made it possible for me to observe a dramatic occurrence of love in the absence of lust.

4. Belief as a Psychological Mystery
I shall briefly leave the topic of "Psi Bonds" to comment upon what I regard as a puzzling mystery of human behavior, namely, that scientific, political, philosophic, and religious beliefs are profoundly resistant to change.

For example, it is easy to understand why mankind should have developed religions and why scientists should be proud of their scientific theories explaining in scientific language the meaning of man's existence in the universe. What is mysterious is that, almost without exception, believers in science are unwilling to examine religious beliefs that conflict with their scientific beliefs, even when the conflict is expressed in scientific terms.

Religious leaders never discuss conflicting religious beliefs in scientific terms because they do not understand scientific language. It is puzzling, however, that religious leaders are unwilling to attempt to resolve religious conflicts using religious language.

The question of scientific and religious beliefs is stated in the above two paragraphs as a competition between beliefs. Instead, one might compare scientific and religious beliefs on the basis of epistemological merit.

Religions have never claimed validity that is independent of past advocates. Science claims to provide absolute truth, independent of history and individuals, and ready, at any challenge, to rebuild itself from observation.

When science refuses to consider a challenge to its beliefs, there is no mystery about the "resistance of those beliefs to change." One must conclude that, for some of its leaders, science has become a religion.

The relevance of the profound resistance to change of philosophic belief will be evident in my discussion of psi bonds.

5. Sexual Arousal
One purpose in offering this document is to explain the difference between sexual propagation and love. It seems probable that what is called "sexual arousal" in the human male and female is the same physical process by which lower primates propagate and that it does not involve psi except through the coinciding existence of a love bond.

When a teen-age girl, at a suitable time in her menstrual cycle, is sexually caressed by a male for whom she has a friendly feeling, her brain usually ceases to reason even while she says to herself that she would like first to consider the advisability of intercourse. At that point, another part of the brain takes charge and, without love, intercourse will ensue if the social circumstances permit. This physiologically determined behavior mimics insemination in many animals and should be classified as a form of genetically brokered lust.

It would appear that the feminist argument is correct, that intercourse not resisted by the female can, under some circumstances, be the moral equivalent of rape. The female's only immoral choice was to enter a social situation where intercourse could occur or to accept the first caress of her companion (which might be somewhat vague). If the female has not been taught about her neurophysiological susceptibility to seduction, she cannot be morally condemned and the sin rests upon those who had the obligation to teach her.

Similarly, the immoral choice by the male was to enter, or persist, in a situation where his own arousal would occur or was occurring. If intercourse is not morally permissible under the circumstances, and the male wishes to entertain a female in a situation where uncontrolled arousal may occur, his moral obligation is to masturbate beforehand so as to reduce his libido to a controllable level. The presumption is that the male has previously learned the strength of his sexual drive.

6. Instant Affinity
Among possible psi bonds, the two most mysterious, it seems to me, are the "instant affinity psi bond" and the "romantic love bond."

An instant affinity psi bond may be said to exist when a sense of psychic relationship is recognized by two strangers within seconds after their first meeting and is immediately confirmed by speech or action but without an immediate feeling of romantic love. I shall cite one certain example and two possible examples of instant affinity.

When I was first introduced to my nephew's wife, we threw our arms around each other and immediately walked away from the introduction as we explained to each other that we felt an inexplicable attraction to the other. She was, and many years later still is, happily married with children. She is a deeply religious person who admits to many minor psychic experiences. Our feelings of affinity have endured on both sides, although we live at a distance, have rarely visited, and exchange only cards annually or to announce family news.

My second example is a case of possible instant affinity. Recently, while I was seated in a wheelchair in a hospital waiting room, a female, conservatively dressed patient aide walked by, leading an ambulatory patient. As she passed, she paused and we looked at each other. I felt an instant affinity but made no sign. She made a gesture that I felt indicated that she wanted to talk. The people between us and her obligation to her patient forced her to move on, never again to be recognized by me.

My third example, another possible case of instant affinity, was reported to me by one of my paraprofessional psychics. While wheeling an infant in a shopping center, she paused momentarily next to another customer with a infant in a carriage. The infants fixed their gaze upon each other, locked hands, and screamed in anger when the adults separated them. It was, the adults agreed, a bizarre performance.

These examples show the difficulty of proving the reality of instant affinity psi bonds. Instant affinity is a spontaneous experience shared by two people. As currently conceived, it demands nothing of, and it offers nothing to, the parties involved. It lacks the ecstatic pleasure of romantic love bonding. I have no suggestion as to how instant affinity and love bonding might be related.

7. Romantic Love Bonding
"Falling in love", or romantic love bonding, is the development of a psychic relationship in which one wishes to be close to the loved one, and, for that purpose, will marry that person if there are no barriers. Being in love is not the same as wanting sexual intercourse.

How does a man fall in love with a woman? It is commonly said that a male can fall in love with a female to some variable degree "at first sight," or, in a matter of minutes merely by observing her in an intimate fashion. This can happen in many discrete ways, as by looking at her face, by admiring her hair, by hearing her speak, by observing her tenderly attending an infant, by listening to her tell of her childhood, by being in an audience for which she is performing artistically, or by seeing her less than fully covered, on stage or off. For the male, falling in love seems to be a potential event waiting to be triggered. If he then woos her, and if she desires a mate, she will, almost inevitably, fall in love with him.

One requirement for this kind of intimate observation to be effective in bonding the man, is that it must be perceived to be innocently offered, i.e., with no intent to sexually arouse the man. If it is seen as an attempt to titillate him, sexual intercourse may follow. This will lead toward bonding of the woman but not necessarily of the man. To many people, this one-sided genetic tendency seems unfair to women.

How does a woman fall in love with a man? As can be seen from examples everywhere, with or without prior sexual intercourse, women form love bonds with, and marry, men to whom they are not at all well matched and whose only apparent qualification for the marriage is either manliness or availability. Women marry in many cases not because they desire sexual intercourse, but because they have "fallen in love" with the man. Prior sexual intercourse with the man may accelerate, but is not essential to such love bonding. For women, love bonding to a male is usually passive and more gradual, rather than an active, discrete event, as it seems to be for men.

If its expression is reciprocated, romantic love rapidly strengthens. It then usually becomes an obsession that results in quick marriage and the exuberance of a honeymoon. It can last for years, but it soon cools and changes in character. Eventually, in old age, it may evolve into a contented sense of oneness between the lovers.

8. Dating Strategies
The basic rule is that, if single, a woman should avoid friendship with any man who would not be suitable as a husband. Otherwise, she may respond to his love-making despite his inadequacy. To put it bluntly, a woman does not always have full control over with whom she will fall in love. She should avoid extended association with individual men until she has matured to the point where she understands herself and can make a spousal commitment that she will not outgrow. Age 21 may be the earliest age at which marriage is a reasonable risk. This is one reason why alcohol is legally prohibited for minors in the USA.

This asymmetry in the male and female mating roles is supposedly a genetically determined tendency existing in primitive man. Then, the fighter male would choose his female and, to fulfill her child-raising role, the female would have no choice but to learn to love the male who chose her.

Some feminists argue that this asymmetry may have once existed, but that today a single woman in the USA with no other obligations, can choose from a wide field of candidates, with or without intervening, exploratory sexual intercourse, as she may prefer. The contradicting answer is that, unless a woman has rather commonplace interests, she will not find a mate in a commercial dance hall. She must look for marriageable material in a more rarified atmosphere where men must be explored singly, in a time-consuming process. The same is true for men with refined interests. Few single women or men today, as compared to 50 years ago, are "obligation free", i.e., have free time "to choose from a wide field of marital candidates." Moreover, the asymmetry of the male-female susceptibility to love bonding has a genetic basis and cannot be wished away. A woman's genetically programmed attraction to manliness does not help her to select for the gentler qualities in her mate, which qualities she will need for happiness in today's world.

9. Mature Marriage
For sound reasons of child-rearing domestic economy, Nature, as a rule, causes men and women to instinctively allow each of them only one avid love bond at a time, i.e., they honeymoon, one with one. However, in middle age as his sexual ardor for his wife cools, the man may develop a new romantic interest, even while his love for his first mate may still exist in a mature, less rapturous form. As long as they are eager to produce a child, he will ordinarily remain faithful to his wife. When her interest in intercourse lags, if not sooner, he is ready for a new love bond. The social consequences of this genetic tendency are regrettable in our culture.

In all of this, it must be emphasized that romantic love bonding is a unique experience and that sexual intercourse is only a related adjunct. Moreover, it should be obvious that there may be good reasons to form a marriage partnership on the basis of what is only a mild, mutual love bonding, especially among the elderly.

For any couple who are love bonded but for some reason cannot engage in sexual intercourse, there is the option of spiritual love. This is a version of the religious ecstasy of St. Theresa of Avila. It is an unselfish love that, with or without sexual intercourse, desires nothing but the pleasure of one's love mate. Subjectively, it matches that good saint's description and is intensely rewarding. Is this perhaps an ideal to which all of us might aspire?

10. Loveless Sexual Intercourse
I have no generalized knowledge about loveless sexual intercourse beyond what is found in the news media. However, I know of one confirmed case where a psychic enjoyed for a time, mutually satisfying sexual intercourse without a feeling of love by either party. She withdrew from the arrangement when she realized that she was bonding (falling in love) with the man and decided that he was not "marriageable material." She wanted love and children.

11. Mating Behavior in Women
Women might be classified by their mating behavior. On a promiscuity scale there are two extremes: the sexually reclusive and the socially promiscuous. Professional people are usually sexually reclusive. Entertainers are typically socially promiscuous.

A professional woman who wishes to avoid being wooed by male professional colleagues must avoid feminine clothing and mannerisms and must conceal her interesting intimate thoughts. When not preoccupied by professional obligations, she may safely engage in impersonal public activities, such as organized charity, financial speculation, or animal breeding, but she must do nothing publicly that is likely to trigger a love bond with a man. It is not enough for a business woman to refrain from flirting. She must don a business persona.

Entertainers typically display their intimate affairs to the news media to advertise their services. On stage, their feminine personalities are exhibited for a fee, with the understanding that no permanence is intended in the resulting psi bonds. If we believe the news media, entertainers' personal love bonds are usually short-lived, often scarcely outlasting the honeymoon. Presumably, these life styles are determined by genes and are not a matter of choice.

I have described two extreme female mating behaviors, that of the reclusive business woman and that of the Hollywood/Broadway singer. These do not do justice to the value and variety of female public behaviors having mating implications. Moreover, there are a few actors and actresses who live long-loving lives despite the nature of their calling.

12. Parent-Child Bonds
Mother-to-child bonding and child-to-mother bonding and, likewise, father-to-child and child-to-father bonding, change constantly from infancy to adolescence, with a discontinuity in child bonding in adolescence. (Father-child bonds often fail to develop, which is presumably a fault of the father.) At some point, the adolescent usually declares his or her psychological independence from the opposite-sex parent.

13. The Inter-Sex Sibling Bond
The absence of romantic love bonds and the usual impossibility of sexual arousal between male and female siblings after puberty can perhaps be explained by the physiological impossibility of sexual intercourse between children and the persistence of the long-established non-sexual love bonds of childhood. This allows the postulation of a special male-female sibling bond. (The strong non-sexual love bonding of same-sex siblings presents no conceptual difficulties.)

14. Persisting and Unwanted Bonds
One psychic whom I know, helps people by praying for them when they are sick or in trouble. For reasons unknown to the psychic, when the praying is finished for the problem under consideration, some of these persons form lasting bonds with the psychic and some do not.

She cited two cases of persisting bonds in which the bonders frequently sent her unwanted, emotion-laden information about their personal problems. The psychic, for her part, has tried to ignore this information. In one case, it was 18 months before the unwanted information stopped coming. In the other case, burdensome messages are still being received.

I have three psychic friends who say they frequently, but unintentionally, pick up confidential information from people they know. The repeating nature of these sensing events suggests the existence of psi bonds. How these invasions of privacy are regarded by the psychic depends upon the nature of her associations. If she associates only with loving people, the psychic may find their secrets amusing. If her associations include people who hate, the psychic may find her unwanted knowledge of them sometimes distasteful.

15. Abusive Husbands
Abused females may tolerate their husbands for several reasons: either for financial support, especially if there are children, or because the wife is love-bonded to the man in spite of his cruel behavior, or because she fears being murdered by her husband if she tries to leave him, or simply to preserve her self-esteem after she has ignored premarital warnings of parents or friends. (It should be acknowledged that there are abusive females, although they are fewer in number if only because males have more testosterone than females.)

Female tolerance of an abusive mate may have had survival value in primitive man. The man who was prone to anger and violence would be more likely to survive than his peace loving neighbor and, in surviving, would be more likely to feed his mate. A wife who could endure a cruel mate would share his better chance for survival and might pass along her tolerance genetically.

Not all abusive husbands are consistently disagreeable. After being cruel, either physically or verbally, some husbands repent and beg forgiveness, and shower their wives with kindness until the next time they lose their tempers and have to beg forgiveness again. (I have no data on how many husbands are continually abusive and how many are cyclically kind and abusive.)

One psychic with a low SES background told me that, until she came to me for advice, she believed from her own and her friends' experience that all males were prone to anger for trivial reasons and were wife abusers either verbally or physically. She divorced two husbands for physical abuse before she found one who, although he lost his temper and broke objects of value, never abused her. After years of being lovingly or vociferously reproved for his uncontrollable anger, he is a changed person and has learned to control his temper (most of the time).

A high SES psychic who has favored me with her friendship, has studied wife abuse in her neighborhood. She is married to a medical doctor, has had hospital nursing experience, and is currently professionally employed. She lives in a housing development of two dozen homes where incomes range from one quarter to perhaps a million dollars.

As this psychic exercised in the evening by hiking with her dog through the neighborhood, she experienced feelings of hatefulness as she passed certain houses. These feelings she intuited as indicating the presence of an abused wife. Her feelings conformed to objective evidence, such as the frightened behavior of some wives, screaming audible in the neighborhood, verbal or physical abuse of small children, and confidential complaints from wives to their neighbors. By her count, one-third of the homes have abused wives.

This estimated incidence of wife abuse in a high SES neighborhood suggests a need for confirming sociological study. It may reflect the personality of highly successful businessmen. I have reason to hope that love without cruelty is the usual situation in middle-SES families.

16. Good and Evil People
Personal experience has convinced both me and my psychics that there are inherently good people and evil people. We have puzzled over the meaning of those words. We agree that the best operationally definable equivalents are "generous" and "selfish." These definitions should be supplemented by the idea that good people are friendly to non-family others and that evil people despise non-family others. It is the central idea of this document that, when there are feelings of any kind between two persons, there exists a psi bond reflecting that feeling. There are hating bonds as well as loving bonds. Good people tend to associate personally with others who are good and to share friendly, helpful bonds. Evil people tend to associate with their own kind, usually to their mutual discomfort.

Today, from the news media, we know that evil is universal among top-earning CEOs. Consequently, I am inclined to believe that being good or evil is largely a genetic matter. But I have friends who stoutly insist that economically lower-class grownups are made evil by childhood abuse.

17. Good and Evil Psi
Civilization is a cooperative enterprise, requiring a variety and range of individual abilities above some minimum level. If life is good in essence, I presume that whatever preserves and improves civilized life is "good" and that whatever is destructive of present or future civilization is "evil."

Psi is good when it is used to achieve a good purpose. It is evil when it is used to achieve evil. The most dramatic, evilly used psi bond I have witnessed (as shown later on TV) was the frenzied response of a German street crowd as Hitler promised them victory after the occupation of Poland in the early part of World War II.

Most people would dismiss this as "mass hypnosis." But hypnosis, as shown by L.L. Vasiliev's Russian research demonstrating the remote control of sleep, fits the operational definition of the psychokinetic control of one brain by another and suggests the formation of a psi bond.

18. On Being a Paraprofessional Psychic
The burdens of being a paraprofessional psychic are likely to be cultural, social, and technical.

Paraprofessional psychics, by reason of their average superior intelligence as compared to professional psychics, have rejected religious and pseudoscientific interpretations of psi and are thus of an upper-class culture. However, upper-class authority figures (physicists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and intellectuals of all kinds) ridicule belief in the reality of psi as superstitious or psychopathological. The resulting cognitive dissonance can be painful for a paraprofessional psychic. The pain, in these cases, is internalized.

Some paraprofessional psychics, who came from a low-class background, have been accused by family members or family friends of being either crazy or agents of the devil. The ridicule in these cases is perceived as intentionally inflicted by others.

Because they are not physical scientists, paraprofessional psychics cannot distinguish among the unusual phenomena they experience as to whether those phenomena are probably physical or probably psychic. Of course, some of their experiences are unmistakably psychic, and these convince the paraprofessionals that they are themselves "psychic". However, because of their lack of technical training, paraprofessional psychics are seriously frustrated by being uncertain as to how much psi there is generally in the world in which they live.

I cannot speak for male paraprofessional psychics, but the female paraprofessional psychics with whom I have interacted are grateful to have their uncertainties reduced by finding a scientist who has credentials in physics, psychology, and biology, who has spent much of his professional life studying parapsychology, who endorses, without quibble, the reality of psi, and who agrees to mentor her. She will feel psychologically rewarded if her mentor responds freely to her description of an experience by saying: "It sounds like psi", or "It sounds like an ordinary physical event", or "I have no idea whether or not it was psi."

However, there is more than that to the story of my relationships with paraprofessional psychics. Early in my experimental research career, and before I was collaborating with psychics, I learned the emotional nature of the opposition of scientists to psi. I decided that it would be necessary to be extraordinarily meticulous in performing and reporting experiments and also that it would be necessary for me to show my feelings toward the work I was doing.

The latter is difficult for a scientist to do. For my purpose I had to reveal intimate thoughts in various areas of my life. The danger of that sort of thing is that one will be seen as either ridiculous or offensive.

The eight books that I have authored or edited that are still in print were deliberately written to be an autobiographical display of my technical and emotional development. In each of those eight books I have taken every reasonable opportunity to tell the reader who I am and what I did in every step of my career.

If one reads all eight books, one cannot escape knowing me as a scientist and knowing something about me as a human being. If a female paraprofessional psychic wants to know if she can safely tell me secrets, she can read my books, which she might want to do anyway to learn all that she can about the nature of her psychic burden.

Reciprocally, any parapsychologist would be gratified to have his professional efforts justified by working at length with an intelligent paraprofessional psychic who was honest, who would reveal the relevant details of her personal life, and who was friendly to his scientific mission.

Under these ideal circumstances, there develops a relationship of complete reciprocal trust between mentors and psychics, with psi bonds in both directions appropriate to the circumstances.

Whatever may be said about the nature of such relationships, they are not based on fraud or ignorance. If one wishes to consider the possibility that my relationships with psychics may be collective self-delusions, one might begin by examining my relevant professional work as summarized in this document, "Psi Bonds: What Are They?", and in Are You There?

The latter should be supplemented by my most important book, Joyride to Infinity: A Scientific Survey of the Doomsday Literature. (ISBN 1-878465-35-X), which has just reverted to my possession and control, thereby making me the publisher. THE DISTRIBUTORS, Inc., and the University of Pittsburgh Book Center, who handle my other seven books in print, have agreed to handle Joyride.

19. Kinds of Love Bonds
In my conception of psi, there are endless kinds of psi bonds. As stated in the introduction to this document, every communication implies a psi bond. I shall now expand my earlier definition of psi bonds. The purpose of this chapter is to define the kind of psi bonds I refer to as love bonds.

Love bonds are of two kinds: romantic love bonds and non-romantic love bonds. Non-romantic love bonds do not lead toward marriage, while romantic love bonds may. Most of my love bonds with psychics are emotionally rewarding and result in life-long friendships, but, as is mutually understood, they do not lead toward marriage. They are not "romantic" love bonds.

The remainder of this document will deal largely with romantic love bonds involving two hypothetical persons, designated for the purposes of the discussion in this chapter as A and B. A is said to be romantically love bonded to B when A experiences an ecstatic pleasure while contemplating or being near to B. At any one point in time, there are three love bonding possibilities: Either A is bonded to B, or B is bonded to A, or they are reciprocally bonded to each other.

If one naively hopes to understand causal relationships among these three conditions, one might consider the time sequence in which a particular condition was established. One would also wish to know, in time sequence, the relevant behaviors of A and B, including sexual intercourse.

The nature of love is such that a woman may grow to love and then marry a man in a series of unrecognized steps. Most often, the variables involved are too numerous and uncertain to be useful for theorizing as to how it happened. At best, one may be able to learn the current situation after the action is over.

Those who wish to explore the outer reaches of ecstatic romantic love from an historical point of view might start by examining the tragedy of Abelard and Heloise. Peter Abelard, one of the great classical intellects of the Twelfth Century, was castrated by a group of ruffians at the behest of the overly protective uncle of Heloise. Abelard was Heloise's first and only love. Heloise, a brilliant scholar in her own right, then became a nun, but her love for her husband continued unabated. Her subsequent love letters to him hold a unique place in history.

Another treatment of the romantic love bond is described in Chapter 23, under the heading "The Negotiated Marriage Contract."

20. A Love Story
I think it highly probable that love is a psychic phenomenon. In that belief, I could be wrong, of course. But it is generally accepted that love and lust are different phenomena. I know that to be true from personal experience. In either case, the challenge of the difference between love and lust remains.

As mentioned in Chapter 3, to halt prostate cancer, I was chemically castrated in December 1998, thereby preventing penile erection and leaving me with no felt response to the thought of sexual intercourse. It was, I found, convenient to be rid of that amazing itch, which mostly males feel and which causes a lot of trouble in this world.

In January 1999, a middle-aged, college educated woman, whom I had distantly known for several years as a paraprofessional psychic, asked whether I would be willing to investigate her psychic ability--a proposal to which I readily agreed.

She visited my house, and I visited hers, several times. We talked at length by telephone. I met her husband, a medical doctor, who affirmed her psychic ability, but did not otherwise enter into my interactions with his wife. She described in detail the events of her childhood and of her psychic experiences. She was, I discovered, a kind, generous, and highly moral person, who had seen a lot of the world.

To my surprise, after several months I suddenly fell in love with her in my de-sexed old age. As it turned out, it wasn't simply a fondness. It was a wild story-book thing, summed up in the simple thought that I wanted to be close to her. I rather doubt that I felt a comparable ardor when I happily married my now-deceased, wife. That was 60 years ago, and I have forgotten what it was like. What I now felt was beyond description. I was transported to another world.

For me, this was an educational experience. From it, I inferred that ecstatic romantic love, once a person reached puberty, has little to do with the lover's age. This should be of scientific interest.

In retrospect it would appear that the psi bonds between myself and this paraprofessional psychic were initially non-romantic. Both of us were presumably engaged by the idea of the production of psi, but not with the thought of each other as persons. This psychic is tall and slender, but she had never been in my presence dressed in anything but a shapeless ankle-length gown, which I assume was her normal professional attire. She had never read any of my books.

What unexpectedly happened on a particular occasion, as I remember in detail, was that I accidentally observed from across a lunch table in a restaurant, that my psychic colleague was taking a moment away from the rest of us to whisper tenderly to a mentally impaired child for whom she was caring. I did not hear the words, but the loving nature of her message was obvious. I felt as though I was momentarily joined with the innermost self of the psychic. That was the magical nonsense that instantaneously changed my life. At that moment an ineffable pleasure in contemplating her began and persisted. The only clue I can find for this experience is in the second paragraph in Chapter 7. In the light of this experience, I am mystified by the triggering of ecstatic romantic love. This is an area demanding scientific research.

When I brought up for discussion with this paraprofessional psychic the topic of my suddenly acquired love, she declined to discuss it. I was an unrequited lover. No matter what gentle approach I tried, I got nowhere. I had lost a friend. In the following years there were occasional conversations and written notes, but we never resumed a state of familial intimacy and our joint investigative venture was terminated.

As every mother of a wayward child knows, parental love doesn't stop because it logically should. Likewise, when a woman has captured one's mind, one cannot easily stop romantically loving her just because she doesn't love you. This is especially true if one understands and sympathizes with her reason for disconnecting. I inferred that she simply did not want a second lover in her life who might complicate her marriage or other parts of the life that she was busily leading.

My feeling of love was so enjoyable that I decided not to try to forget her. Without personal contact, my ardor has slowly lessened, but the mere thought of her still brings an irrepressible smile to my face and a feeling of gratitude to my conscious mind.

21. Love in Perspective
From my several psychic friends I have learned that there are many kinds of love, each rewarding and entangling in its own way. By subjective hints that come to me, I am convinced there is far more observably involved in romantic love than I had initially surmised. I suspect that full-blown ecstatic love such as mine was, is relatively rare and that for the average engaged couple, the phenomenon has been tempered. But how? By what? I shall discuss that later. And why was I chosen to be "struck by lightning"?

I now suspect that if a couple lives in a perfect marriage, one or both can simultaneously enjoy an unlimited number of non-sexual but deeply loving companionships. In a perfect marriage, jealousy cannot occur. I suspect also that a mild clothing fetishism may be a normal part of romantic love. If not emotionally embraced in association with one person, romantic love may become a chronic non-lustful pleasure associated with femininity. I believe we have barely begun to understand the dynamics and ramifications of ecstatic romantic love.

In my lifetime I have been fortunate. In early adulthood, I experienced a negotiated romantic love bond with my wife. Later, I had various non-romantic love bonds with psychics. Beginning in late 1998, at age 84, I was chemically castrated, which allowed me to subjectively examine my love bonds in the absence of lust. In 1999, as described above, I experienced a romantic love bond that allowed me to feel an ecstasy beyond anything I had known before.

The foregoing has led me to believe that by personal experience I have established (a) that love and lust are different, and (b) that lasting ecstatic love (a wish to be close to someone), which is widely assumed to be an experience of young females, can be experienced by an aged, castrated male without involving sexual intercourse by anyone. Whether castration was essential to my experience was not demonstrated.

I shall die soon. I hope others will pursue the puzzle of love in relation to psi. Where, for example, are psi bonds found in history? Any force so fundamental as psi must permeate history even if taboo. Did it enable the First Crusade? Was it perhaps an inspiration in the building of gothic cathedrals? Both of these activities exhibited a surprising element of spontaneity. Throughout history, love as distinct from lust must always have been a competing variable.

22. Wanted: Wise Parents
In their innocence, adolescent girls especially, need guidance to avoid pregnancy and to preserve their future options by avoiding unwise marriage. The problem was discussed in general terms in Chapter 8, under the title Dating Strategies. Boys likewise need warning guidance to avoid pitfalls and need inspiration and worldly guidance until they reach maturity.

Having willingly conceived a child, the responsibility for its future rests initially with the parents, in so far as they can determine the child's environments.

The environments will consist of the mother and the father or their substitutes, of siblings and playmates, of school mates, and of teachers. To create these environments wisely will require moral excellence, intellectual competence, and economic power in the parents. These traits do not correlate highly.

These ideas could be expanded in many directions. I shall be content to offer one provocative thought. Most of us believe that progress in civilization requires that men and women progress toward equality in their privileges and their duties except as limited by biological constraints. How can males and females learn to work together without interference by love and lust?

23. The Negotiated Marriage Contract
There must be cases where male and female are a near perfect match in some psychic sense. Unfortunately, a workable marriage requires other kinds of compatibility as well.

From my association with psychics, I have been led to believe that most successful marriages involve both love and lust. Moreover, I am convinced that most economically upper-class marriages are based upon a "negotiated marriage contract."

By some time in their college careers, most economically upper-class students will have found someone whom they would like to consider for marriage. As time allows, they will explore their relationship with each other, usually including sexual intercourse. With experience, the pleasure of sexual intercourse lessens. When one has an abundance of social and intellectual obligations, sexual intercourse, fitted in between, tends to follow the minimum routine that will provide an orgasm. Thus, the pleasure of orgasm can vary enormously from couple to couple, and becomes a variable clause in the marriage contract.

Exchanged childhood memories may retain non-sexual bonding efficacy. Children, or the lack thereof, may be a powerful bond-making or bond-breaking factor. Personality traits may be enjoyed or hated by either mate. Couples sometimes support one another in a joint stressful situation, which leads to permanent bonds of trust.

All of these factors are added up and the couple decides whether to "sign the contract". Love, i.e., the urge to be close to one another, may have little or a lot to do with what happens then or later. I am saddened to conclude that love has relatively little to do with most stable marriages. I am told that lust is dominant over love for most men and for some women. However, I do know personally of marriages in which love plays an important and even a dominant role for both parties.

In summary, after waiting until age 21 to choose a spouse for a stable marriage, one may be surprised to find that he and she are being asked to sign a "negotiated marriage contract" and that their choice is based more on lust than on love.

24. Dating Guide
The foregoing ideas, viewed as an account of things I learned from my psychic friends, are, I believe, a worthwhile offering. However, this document covers a very small sample of psychics, each of whom differed significantly from the others. The literature of the field shows that this sample did not exhaust the variety of psychic experience.

Viewed, instead, as an account of some of my experiences as a parapsychologist trying to understand what I found in the literature and in life, this document is, I believe, adequate as far as it goes.

But if it is considered as an instruction manual for selecting a spouse, it is incomplete and should be extended. There are many marriages that endure forever in unremitting hatred. There are other marriages in which one partner betrays the other for material gain, leading to unhappiness and often to divorce. Both of these are marriages one would hope to avoid.

Courtship is not a time for fun and games. Courtship for each member of the prospective couple is a time to determine whether the other person is morally and socially acceptable.

Is this the person on whom you wish to gamble your life? Said differently, is this a person whose moral superiority matches your own and to whom you can, therefore, entrust your total intimacy, i.e., your essential self? Is this a person in whom you can have unlimited trust?

Also, is this a person whose physical and mental habits you could enjoy, or willingly endure, throughout your life? These questions are especially pressing for the woman.

Here are several factors believed to favor a happy marriage:

  • There must be agreement between the parties contemplating marriage on their desire for, or against, having children and on the parental obligations that having children would entail.

  • The pair's religious beliefs, if any, must be compatible.

  • Both parties must be "generous" as opposed to "selfish".

  • Both parties should share a strong need for romantically intimate love, i.e., a strong urge to be close to the other -- a sentiment often heard in blue-grass music but not elsewhere.

  • Both parties must be able to accept the other's capacity or genetic need for sexual intercourse. Contrary to popular belief, there are persons who, for a contented love life, must have sexual intercourse several times a day. Lust is not a sin. Lust is a responsibility.

25. Unanswered Questions
This document leaves many unanswered questions. For example, marriage begins with the acceptance of sexual intimacy. What are the implications of the rejection of the intimacies of other bodily and mental functions?

Unrequited love is another topic needing study. Under what conditions will it persist or abate? What are its outcomes? Unwelcome stalking is sometimes engaged in by both males and females.

26. Summary
It is the author's inference from the observation of married behavior that happily married couples enjoy a wide range of romantic love bonds, extending from fervent to mild. If they have not felt it, they cannot imagine the ecstasy of untempered romantic love. They usually deceive themselves and their children by supposing that their feelings of mutual adulation are typical of all happily married couples.

Affinity, or a sense of psychic relationship, is sometimes mutually recognized within seconds, upon first meeting and without speaking, and is then confirmed by speech or action. On the other hand, falling in love (a rapturous wish of A to be close to B) is commonly presumed to result from a favorable perception or misperception by A of the intimate nature of B. This wish to be close can appear unilaterally in a day or may develop or be modified more slowly by personal interaction. Its triggering in a matter of seconds is a major scientific mystery demanding research.

As conceived in this document, lust is the non-psychic, biochemical attraction to sexual intercourse that has its historic origin in the bisexual propagation of primitive life.

Love and lust have always been regarded as distinct. This popular belief has been observationally confirmed herein and the difference between love and lust has been conceptually clarified. Love--sometimes well advised and sometimes not--is presented as a psychic process taking many forms, including inter-sex romantic love. An extremely intense inter-sex romantic love was experienced by an aged, castrated man without involving sexual intercourse by anyone. This is believed to be a surprising occurrence. Most romantic love bonds in the aged are subjectively mild.

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